Back To Life.... Back to Reality

I went to my office yesterday to receive the linen drop and make a few phone calls to get my schedule back in order. WOW! I made around 45 phone calls, about 20 appointments and left a bunch of messages. I have learned to hate talking on the phone this month. I think I might tell my story once on a tape recorder then during my massages just push play so I don't have to repeat myself 20 million times.
I have covered my house in pictures of mom, put up a few of her things on my wall and put the rest in storage. I am beginning to reorganize my craft-storage-garage room in the house with some of her office stuff. I miss her everyday and it is hard, I don't want to go back to work very bad.

Random Thoughts

I don't really know what to say or how to say it. I am drawing a blank emotionally because I feel like I am incapable of feeling anything at this point. This past week I have felt emotionally numb, like I can't feel what I really feel. Does that make any sense? Mom died last Monday, Wednesday my sisters and I went to the mortuary to dress her and then Thursday and Friday we had viewings. Saturday was the funeral, Sunday was the sleep all day-go to church-be lazy and snuggle your husband day and today I am back at my parents house helping clean up the aftermath. I went through moms bathroom today and threw away everything and anything that reminded me of her being sick and on chemo. I have a goodwill pile and a consignment pile. I kept stopping to smell her clothes. I even found some smelly lotion she always wore and put in on my arm so I could stop and smell her every once in a while. It is weird that you miss certain things like that isn't it? I keep expecting her to pop out of the sewing room and show me her latest quilting project. I am having a hard time deciding what to do with her clothes. A lot of things my sister Sherri will wear but some of her suits and things like slacks and dresses are nice but none of us girls can wear them. I think I will save all the really nice things and her sisters can come look to see what they want. I made a stash of all the cute hats mom got when she lost her hair during chemo, maybe one day when I am brave enough I will wear some of them. My dads sister (Aunt Christi) and I went through the kitchen today. We threw away a lot of old noodles and food storage type of stuff that my dad Will never use. We rearranged things so he could find things easier and go rid of items that he wouldn't use. I have been doing pretty good emotionally, at least I think I am. Maybe I am in denial. It is weird. I do good through the hard things like the funeral, which I spoke at by the way. But it is the little things that make me fall apart. My dad called last night and left me a message. " Hey sister, I am just checking in, give me a call sometime when you get a minute." Simple right? He sounded so sad and lonely. I checked the message, deleted it then bawled my eyes out for 15 minutes, all snuggled up on my bed with my Mommy's quilt like a 2 year old! I guess that is to be expected though. I haven't really cried since she died so I have a couple of free passes to fall apart when I feel like it. Chris's friend Nic from college just lost his mom last Thursday. She was 57.... had a heart attack. I feel so blessed to have had the time to prepare and say goodbye to my mom. We spent so much time together. I only went 5 or 6 days without talking to or seeing her in the last year or so. I told myself I didn't want any regrets and that I had my whole life to work and play but only so much time with my mom. I will never forget those days, especially the last few. She was so optimistic, so funny and sweet, even towards the end. We would sit together in her bed and and talk about eternity, what heaven would be like and what she was looking forward to. Who she would see and the things she imagined she might do. We have been typing her journal so all the kids can have a copy of it. What a blessing it is to have her thoughts and personal history recorded! I love to read it. I am so glad she took the time to write. She wasn't very good about being consistent but at least we have what we have. I have been making a list of things to do and what to write in my journal. I am glad that we decided to do a blog for my mom. It helped other people stay up to date with her cancer and was a journal of her fight. I am excited to print it off and put in her book and to go back and read everything. There is so much to do! I have to help get rid of all the junk at the house, go to goodwill, label things etc. There is a shoe box full of slides that need to be converted to digital and put on the computer. I need to start a scrapbook/story book for all moms things and get ready for Christmas . I am suppose to be Moms little Christmas Elf this year. I made a promise to her that I would get Christmas ready and deliver all her pre-packaged Christmas presents. I have something in mind but need to get on it. It is almost September! There is a DVD of moms pictures that we made for the funeral. Kim and I were going to try and burn a copy so all of the kids can have a copy. I need to figure out a way to organize my pictures digitally then send a copy to everyone that is in them. AHHH.... what a mess. So much work to do! All of us kids, dad, Aunt Christi and Uncle Irv and cousins Tiff and Luke went bowling the night of the funeral. I was so tired of visiting and hugging people, I wanted to get out and actually do something fun. Mom would have wanted that. We went to Atomic Bowl in Richland. They have Monte Carlo bowling, where you can win money. It was a blast. We started about 9pm and stayed till around 12:30 or so. We got some cute pictures and made some money. I made 2 bucks and Chris made 5. The pathetic thing is that it has been so long since I have worked out that I am sore from bowling. My back is killing me right now!
Here are some pictures of last week.

My moms obituary:

Lucretia (Chris) Kirchgestner Carver was born March 30th 1946 in Nyssa Oregon, a beautiful dark haired daughter to Alice Isabell Walker and Phillip Valentine Kirchgestner. She moved a lot in her childhood years mostly around the Northwest. She graduated from Milton Freewater (Ore.) High School in 1965.On November 1st 1963 she married Robert Orlo Carver. They were later sealed in the Logan Temple on December 20th, 1968. They lived in several places throughout the Columbia Basin, eventually settling in Kennewick Washington. She worked as a secretary at Sandvik Special Metals and later went to work with her husband at Allstate Insurance. They worked together for 20 years as Agents, making a great team and retiring in 2004.Chris enjoyed many hobbies; she was famous for her cooking, baking and quilting. She especially enjoyed fishing with her husband, where she often out fished him! She was a devout member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, where she fulfilled many ward and stake callings. In particular she loved her more recent calling as Relief Society President, and was privileged to serve with her husband as a temple ordinance worker in The Columbia River Temple.Chris found joy in serving others and was known for her sweet spirit and loving personality. She was a devoted wife, mother, grandmother; and a friend loved by all who knew her. She was a class act in everything she did. Chris passed away Monday, August 18th, 2008 at home in the arms of her husband, with loved ones by her side. She was diagnosed in November 2007 of an unknown primary cancer.Chris is survived by her Husband, Robert Carver of Kennewick Wa, and her children and their spouses Monte (Kelly) Carver, Shawn (Patty) Carver, Kimberly (Jeff) Wiberg, Steven (Camilla) Carver, Sherri (Darin) Frederiksen, Kent Carver, and Melanie (Chris) Cain and 19 grandchildrenAlso surviving are her three sisters; Doris Hansen, Wanda Coffey, Vera Collins, and three brothers; Jerry, Howard, and Vernon Kirchgestner.She is preceded in death by her parents, Alice and Phillip Kirchgestner, younger sisters Marian Willis and baby brother and sister, Merrill Glenn and Wilma LaRae Kirchgestner.Memorial Services for Lucretia Carver will be celebrated Saturday August 23rd at 11 a.m. at the LDS church, 4445 S. Olympia, Kennewick WA (located on corner of 45th and Olympia St.) Burial will be at River View Heights at 10th and Olympia immediately following service. Chris requested a dinner be served at the church for all who wish to attend, following the graveside service.A public viewing will be held Thursday the 21st from 5-8 p.m. at Hillcrest Memorial Center (9353 W. Clearwater Ave) and Friday the 22 5-8p.m at OlympiaIn lieu of flowers, please make contributions to Blue Mountain Council Boy Scouts of America by calling 509-735-7306.

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Proverbs 31:28
Mom passed tonight at 10:45 pm. She fought so hard bless her heart. Dad kept saying she had the heart the size of a watermelon because she wouldn't let go. She is so beautiful tonight. Dad had gone to bed and Kim and I were sitting with her watching her breath. She would have shallow breaths and then long deep breaths. When Sherri got off the phone and came out we sat with her for a minute and then went and woke dad up. Dad came and held her hand and told her to let go and we gathered around her and she passed. She waited for him!

TORN

I am torn because my mom won't let go. I am sad that she is suffering and don't want her to stay to comfort us.... "Just go Mom!" I keep thinking that and I am feeling guilty that I want her to go. I want it to be over with so we can move on and she can be at peace, in a better place.

Pictures from this week

See moms cancer blog via the link on my page for the latest updates

Slipping Away

Moms time is getting close. We are having the family out tonight at 7:00 and we are going to try to sing a few of her favorite hymns to her so she can have some reverent time with her loved ones.It is going to be hard and most of us will break down but I think it will be a very spiritual experience and something that will help her let go. It has been hard to see her go down hill so fast. Each day is more trying for her, her body gets weaker and weaker. She has had a very fun loving personality and has joked a lot this last week. She has been breathing pretty good but is having a hard time concentrating and hardly talking. She has been sleeping 80% of the time and is pretty out of it when she awake. She has been wanting to write letters to all her kids and grand kids. I typed the ones she wrote to her kids and she signed them because she was too tired to rewrite them. (This was a few weeks back). She keeps asking about her letters to the grandchildren because she never did get them written. I found a poem today that I really liked and dad suggested that we type it and give it to the grandchildren. I had her sign them and write each of the kids names on top. She had a really hard time. She kept falling asleep between writing love and grandma. Sherri and I took turns helping her move her arm to get the pen in the right spot. She keeps putting off the letter to dad because she wants to be alone and not have him around when she writes it. She got the first line down and got too tired. We will help her finish it later today. We got some really neat up close pictures of her hands so you can see her writing and her wedding ring all shiny.A while back in my personal scripture reading I found some really cool things and had some great experiences. Proverbs 31:28-29. Her Children arise up and call her blessed, her husband also and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously but thou excellest them all. Psalms 27:14 Wait on the Lord, be of good courage and he will strengthen thine heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord. D&C 101:14,16,29,36-38 And all they who have mourned shall be comforted therefore, let your hearts be comforted concerning Zion, for all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am god. Wherefore care not for the body neither the life of the body, but care for the soul and for the life of the soul. And seek the face of the Lord always, that in patience ye may possess your souls and ye shall have eternal life. 29) And there shall be no sorrow, because there is no death. D&C 24:8- Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many but endure them for lo, I am with thee even unto the end of thy days.D&C 58-2-4 For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that a keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death ; and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven. 3 Ye cannot behold with your natural yes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation. 4 For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.7.My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; 8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. 9 Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.

Saturday

thoughts from kim

I posted this because I am not strong enough to write like this but I feel the exact same way and I think all of us girls have had this experience so I took this from Kim's blog to post it
My mom is dying.
I've rolled that sentence around in my brain. I've pondered on what this really means for me. I haven't fully grasped all the changes that will happen in my life after she's gone. The other day I sat down beside her on the couch and nestled my face into the crook of her neck. I could hardly restrain my sobs. She always smells so good and I instantly feel comforted when she holds me. My heart cried out because it hit me just how much I am going to miss her sweet smell and so much more.This sweet woman that I've been privileged to have as a mother is withering away and I'm watching her suffer. As of yesterday, the hospice nurse thinks she only has a week left. She could hardly talk today. She can't breath very well and it seems to take to much energy to speak. She hardly eats anything and when she does she can't keep it down. For some reason she is very nauseated.Tonight, after family prayer I explained to my kids that grandma is very close to dying and that she's not getting better. Devon, buried his head in his arms and cried. We all held each other and Whitney said, "Mommy, its going to be okay, because Grandma is going to live again, and she will be in Heaven with Jesus." (My sweet sweet baby girl. I love her.) That very thing is the reason I will get through this. There is no doubt in my mind that I will see her again. I'm so very grateful that I know this. Please pray for my family. Goodnight.

update on my mom

This is a re-post from moms blog.. Its hard to write 2 things.Sherri and her husband Darin are coming tomorrow to stay with Mom. She is leaving her kids home and her husband will stay until Sunday and then go back home. We have had several Birthdays this week. Shawn's was Sunday, then moms sister Vera, Gracie -(Stevens youngest) today, dads is the 8th, and the oldest grandson Kolby (Monte's) is 20 on the 9th I think.Mom is getting weaker each day. She spends most of the time resting and doesn't have very much energy to talk. She gets worn out pretty easy. Today she spend most of the time sleeping but was up to the dinner table tonight and was alert for company. No nausea today either! We caught it early and she never did get sick. We are draining her fluid everyday now so she can breath a little easier and not fight it so much. It has been between 250-400 ml each time which is a lot, About 2 liters a week. The hospice nurse doesn't think she will live much longer, maybe a little over a week. It has been quite and emotional roller coaster for all of us. I tend to report on the blog so matter-o-factly because it is too hard to talk about the mushy stuff. All of us kids have tried to spend time with her. It gets hard when you have a family and a job and a life to continue on living. I feel so blessed to be as free as I am and have the ability to spend a lot of time with her. I have been trying to organize all her pictures and get things straightened out so she feels good about leaving her house in order. She had some sisters from the ward come and sing hymns to her today. It was really sweet and I was glad to figure out mom and dads digital camera can video record so I got it on the camera. She really enjoyed it. It was the best part of her day. Last night Brother Macky and Brother Mickelson came to visit and dad the the brethren were able to give mom a blessing. She has good feelings, a good attitude about passing. She has reassured us she is okay to go. Brother Harold Sanders and Bishop Law came to visit mom tonight and gave dad a blessing before they left.

I am so thankful for the gospel and the things that it teaches us and for the many blessings that come from obeying the commandments and living our best. It is amazing how much your testimony grows in times like these. People always say that and I don't know how many times I have said it myself but truly I have never had a more firm testimony in my entire life that my Savior loves me and knows what I am going through than right now. There are too many things that "just work out," it amazes me. The other night, I wanted to get away and get a break. My husband and I went out on the boat around 8pm. We were going to go up river and float down while we went fishing in the dark and just relax. As we were putting the boat in, I had my purse flung over my shoulder and was waiting at the dock to catch the boat as it came into the water. As I was bending down to catch it I heard a small splash and watched my hot pink phone float quickly to the bottom. I was so mad and sad and stressed all at the same time I just froze. About 5 minutes goes by and Chris came down the dock. I said, "Um guess what honey? I just dropped my phone in the river." He got in the boat, grabbed a pair of goggles, went down the boat ramp to the spot I dropped it and dove under. Not only did he find my phone but our digital camera as well, which I apparently forgot was in my purse and didn't know I had dropped it because all I saw was pink. 2 days prior, I took about 100 pictures including many of mom, off the camera and saved them to the computer. That was a miracle in its self. I took my phone and the camera apart and let it dry all night and the next day. Around noon the next day, my phone turned on and to make a long story short, after about 3-4 times turning it on and off, some blow drying action and a prayer, my phone works absolutely perfect. The camera turns on at this point at looks as though it will work but I need to charge the batteries. The same day, I bounced a check for my office rent and was freaking out that I had no money because I have taken so much time off and am waiting for some insurance reimbursement checks. I went into town and while driving by my office decided to check my mail. I received a check for the amount of my bounced check, overdraft fee and a little extra for a cushion. The next morning, my youngest brother Kent and my nephew Kolby were driving to work together at about 4:30 am and Kolby fell asleep at the wheel, crossed the left lane of traffic on the freeway, drove into a ditch, through a fence and barely missed a tree. The air bags deployed and the car got scratched a little on the side. The boys were safe and neither one was hurt. I would say that my family has been blessed. In hard times, in bitter times, we are still able to taste the sweet. That is what keeps me going. Every night that I get in bed and am too tired to think I seem to always remember I have forgotten to say my prayers. I want to just say them laying there but feel guilty so I try to convince myself to get up and kneel in bed. When my mom was a little stronger and before she was in the hospital bed, I would get her all ready for bed and we would sit and talk a little until her sleeping pill would kick in. One time she was just about asleep and then she sat up and said, I still need to say my prayers. She got up, walked to the end of her bed and knelt down to pray. Ever since that night, I get my lazy bum out of my bed when I have that fight with myself and I kneel down. She has cancer... If she can do it, I can do it. It means a lot more and it is humbling. I will be forever thankful for my moms good attitude and righteous example. One day I had a headache and I snuggled up next to her in her bed and she started to rub my head. That is what I will miss about my mom, her selfless attitude and her giving little heart. Last night when I left the house she asked my if I would help her write some thank you cards. The woman is dying, and she is thinking about how she needs to get her thank you cards out! She is amazing. I am pretty sure I only got half of mine down for my wedding.