A year ago today, I lost one of my best friends....my mom. I laid next to her each day and drank up every moment I could hear her heart still beating. I would listen to her breath while she slept and pray she would keep breathing....stay longer, Don't leave me momma. I have a testimony of the gospel and the atonement of Jesus Christ. I know I will see her again. I have felt her presence since she has been gone, a birthday hug and a few hard moments in labor that I can not deny. However, I still miss her voice and her funny little shake when she stirred up something good. She was a lady who everybody loved, who was always positive, who gave the best advice, made the best baked goods ever, sewed the best quilts and gave the best head rubs. I went to lunch with my dad today and then out the Fred Meyer to pick out some flowers to put on her grave. I couldn't help but hear a little mom voice saying, "Save yourself $2 and get the cheaper ones, they look the same. Don't waste your money on flowers that are just going to die anyway." I said it out loud and dad I both laughed and teared up a little. We picked out a mini red rose bush. I can just hear mom now, "Melanie.... have you seen my roses? They are blooming, you better go out front and see them." I use to cart a pitcher of water from the kitchen through the living room out to the front porch to water moms rose bushes. I loved spring because she would get so excited to see her flowers come up and start blooming. Pretty flowers remind me of my mom, especially well trimmed rose bushes.
We took some time to clean the cement part of the grave off and wiped the front side clean. I was trying to be all business and choke back my tears when my dad starting sobbing. I couldn't help but stand there so blurred up, I couldn't even see. I didn't know what to do or say. My throat had been in a knot all day and my stomach felt as though someone had kicked me. I just watched him cry helplessly. We hugged and held each other for a long time. He told me how much he missed her and how sometimes when he is alone he just loses it. We talked about going through the motions and how some days are harder than others. I told him I was glad he was my friend. We have come a long way, him and I. I like spending time with him because it makes me feel close to her. I know that things are different now, the house is different, the decorations, the smell... but she is still there sometimes to me. I pull onto Game Farm road and pass the mules in the front pasture and into the drive way with the grass all mowed I go. I can almost smell the cinnamon rolls and hear the sewing machine going. I can see that the freezer is in the process of being defrosted and the floor has just been vacuumed. I see her come through the utility room door from the laundry room, putting a fresh load in and hearing the dryer going while she throws away the lint. A day to visit with mom...Yea!!! No matter how many days go by without her, that is how I will imagine it. It is what keeps me going. I find myself itching to make something I shouldn't eat like chocolate cake, but I try it because that is what my mom would do. I attempted the famous crazy cake she always made for my dad this year on his birthday. I wore her slippers and my little apron and hummed Neil Diamond and Que Serra. I never knew how important all those little things she did would mean to me. No one else is going to eat the jam I made this year besides me, but I made it because that is what you do when you are a mom. You make jam right? Someday, if I try real hard, I might be at least half the mom she was to me. I heard this song 2 days ago....its a tear jerker
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8sWwFIFlK8
