These women
















Have been blessed by this woman's musical talent











I love Hillary Weeks! If I Only Had Today reminds me of a tender moment I shared with my sisters and Mom at Time Out For Women in March of 2008. Hillary Weeks was apart of the TOFW team and sung this song shortly after it was written for the first time publicly at the Time Out we were at. She told the story of how it was inspired my a woman who had told her of a personal story dealing with cancer. It seemed like every topic at the Conference was traced to cancer. We held each other and cried as she sung the song, and fell apart again when she sang, Just Let Me Cry. We were planning on buying the CD that day but Hillary announced that the CD wasn't going to be released until September. At that time, moms diagnosis was 6 months to a year and we were on month 4 on a break from Chemo. We didn't have an exact time line but Sherri had a feeling that by this September we would definitely needing this CD to cope. We were right. The CD was released on the month anniversary of my mothers funeral. Coincidence? I think not... more like divine intervention from a loving Heavenly Father. This CD has brought me so much joy and comfort. It is strange that bawling your eyes out can be therapeutic. "When You Least Expect it," is an emotional song for me, because a couple weeks after the "STORM," of my moms passing, I found out I was pregnant with my first baby. I truly believe that the things and people that come into our lives are inspired. Our trip to Time Out was inspired and so was this CD for us girls. Thanks so much to Hilary Weeks.

If I Only Had Today
It seems like I've watched a million sunsets
And stared at a thousand full moons
Sometimes it feels like I've been here forever
And sometimes it all feels brand new
I could never count the heartbeats
From the day I was born until now
but not a single one goes unnoticed
By Him who breathes life in me somehow
But if there were no tomorrows
if I knew that I could not stay
I know how I'd spend every moment
If I only had today
Chorus
I'd hold you and listen
And I'd let the dishes sit in the sink
I'd tell you I loved you over and over
And for once I'd just let the phone ring
Then I'd remind you of forever
And how our love would never change
If I only had today













I'd wake up before the sun did
And I'd watch as you quietly sleep
I'd pray for time to move slowly
Knowing the time won't keep
All the gifts that Heaven has given
Every blessing that's come my way
Wouldn't mean anything without you
so if I only had today









I'd hold you and listen
I'd memorize every detail of your face
I'd tell you I loved you over and over













I wouldn't let excuses get in the way
Then I'd remind you of forever
And how our love would never change
If I only had today

There's no time like the present
Life doesn't come with any guarantees
The sun will set and time won't wait
So while I have today



















I'd hold you and listen
I'll let the dishes it in the sink
I'll tell you I love you over and over

For once I'll just let the phone ring
And I'll remind you of forever
And how our love would never change
Because I have today



















I love you Mom! You remind me of Forever..... and how our love will never change!

Baby Update

So, morning sickness is more like day sickness I think. I ate tortilla chips and a cheese stick for breakfast yesterday. I know....strange huh? We went to the Doctor on Monday and he said, "You definitely have an enlarged uterus." I thought that it was funny. Everything looks good and no problems as of today besides my stubborn husband. He thinks child birth classes are stupid because they cost money. Go figure, Chris worried about money? What? We go in for an ultrasound on the 22nd of October at 10 weeks to hear the heart beat. My Doctor usually does an ultrasound for gender at 18 weeks so that will be 2 weeks before Christmas. My sister Sherri thinks we should have him put the results in an envelope and put it under the tree for Christmas morning. We will see. I know I could do it but I think that I would want to know so people can get us baby stuff ya know? Like I said.... we will see. I hope it is one baby and not two. Seriously, I think I would cry. Sherri says that the Lord won't give me anything I can't handle and I can't handle twins. We will see about that, lately I feel like I have been through the refiners fire and quite frankly, that is what I am nervous about, a little fire, or two for that matter.

The "I" Tag...

The "I" Tag...

TAG from Kimi

i am- depressed that winter is coming and summer is gone, wishing I had energy to clean my house today

i think- I am going to win at least $5 playing Monte Carlo Bowling tonight and that if I answered these questions honestly they'd all be about babies and my mom

i know- That I am obsessed with good food, that I should be studying my lesson for tomorrow, that I will see my mom again some day, that my testimony has grown a lot this year

i want- to be a nicer, kinder and more unselfish loving wife, and less of a complainer, I want a house that is cute and clean, and to be in Hawaii right now!

i have- An awesome CD on the way, along with the best ever load of Old Navy Maternity clothes that were on sale, a craving for steak and potatoes and sour patch kids.

i dislike- not being able to sleep, crappy drivers, politics, not getting paid by insurance, clients who don't show up, being lied to, the bathroom floor wet, or dirty carpet and being hungry or having to pee really bad

i fear- having to have a c-section, having multiple children growing in my small little belly, getting cancer, taxes and the upcoming holidays without my mother

i feel- hungry, overwhelmed with my dads new attachment to me, sad that my mom won't be here to see me pregnant and have my babies, blessed and comforted at the same time because of the love of my Savior

i hear- Silence....wait...... and a list of things to do tomorrow that I wrote in my head earlier today

i smell- My mom, I am in her sewing room

i crave- sugar a lot, protein, my husbands arms around me, acceptance and love from my friends and family,

i cry- pretty much everyday because I am a big fat baby! When I am reminded of my sweet mother, when I am overwhelmed and disappointment ed in myself, in sacrament meeting, when I teach my Sunday school lesson.

i usually- sleep in, or take a nap during the day, think about food 20X's a day and tell my husband I love him

i search- the Internet for interesting things to learn, and about anything I would like to know, I search for Chris's wallet and/or keys about 2X's a week, my appointment book and my phone

i wonder- how I will get through this next year, if I am having a boy or a girl, how my lesson will go tomorrow, if Chris will cry when the baby is born, if my dad will actually find someone to date and marry and if my mom watches me all the time.

i regret- stupid things I did in high school, not writing in my journal as much as a should have and being inactive in my teen years

i love- My husband, my family---especially my sisters,my friends, the Internet, my cell phone, FOOD, cooking, fishing with my mom and dad, memories, looking back at pictures, spring and summer, being warm, going somewhere new and exciting, thinking about babies, good smelly bath stuff, a good shampoo and cut and color, massages, getting paid, shopping at consignment stores and getting good deals, snuggling with Chris and a movie, sleeping, feeling healthy and not having nausea or headaches.

i care- About my family, my clients, my health and my eternal progression.

i always- Complain... I need to be better, talk about food....it will always be that way..., need my husbands love

i worry- about way to many things, mostly related to health and my family.

i am not- going to answer this one

i remember- a lot of good memories from my childhood, when I used to not have bills and when I actually liked to grocery shop

i believe- That people can change, , that families can be together forever, that I have a purpose in this life and that eventually life will get a little easier.

i sing- out loud and in my car a lot, and to any song that I know

i don't always- wash my face before bed (I'm too lazy), cook dinner or eat healthy, work out, count my blessings when I should or be nice to my hubby.

i argue- about any thing I don't agree with and sometimes just for fun.

i write- in my journals, notes to myself all over my office of things to do. Soap charts which I hate and e-mails to work people.

i win- hardly ever and I am use to it

i lose- weight really easy, my temper sometimes, my brain a lot of times and my keys every once in a while.

i wish- I could travel back in forth between heaven and earth just to take a peek, that being pregnant didn't take 9 months, that I could snuggle with my mom right now, that I had learned how to sew better, that I was smarter and had enough money for a down payment on a house.

i can usually be found- At my office, snuggled in my bed, at Chris's moms house or at the shop, or on the boat with Chris.

i am scared- That I will have problems with my pregnancy, that my kids will rebel and that I will be an impatient mom.

i need- to be more humble, and prayerful, grateful and happy, save my money, count my blessings, get a nap in before Monte Carlo and make dinner for my husband.

i forget- to be nice, to put away my curling iron and makeup bag for Chris

i am happy- when I complete a goal, when I am full and have had good sleep, when someone fills my bucket and right now I am happy because next week I am getting packages in the mail and Greys Anatomy starts Thursday, Chris and I are getting along super dooper good and we are going to have a little Cainster soon!

How do you feel today?
Play along if you would like. I tag all of you!

Moving on is really hard

I keep telling myself that I am okay and that things will get better with time. I am aware that I will have good times and bad times and that it is to be expected. I have had an especially hard time this week missing my mom. I want to tell her how I am feeling and tell her all the ideas I have, that Chris and I actually agree on a baby name and that I have been thinking about her everyday. I haven't been sleeping all through the night for about a week now. I usually get up to go pee about 3 times and at least one of the trips leaves me wide awake on some sort of thinking rampage and I can't go back to sleep. Last night I totally lost it, starting bawling in my bed missing my mom and left the bedroom and went in the spare bedroom where I have some of her things. I took out her little snugly pillow that she used all the time when she was sick and sat on the floor hugging it with my fuzzy blanket around me and sobbed until my head hurt too much to continue. I finally said a prayer that I could sleep through the night and settled on the couch. My dad recently made a profile on LDS Singles and at first I thought it was kind of funny. After talking to him about it the last 2 days, I finally realized last night that it is freaking me out and that I am not ready for that. I know that he is lonely and that he and Mom discussed that it was okay for him to move on but she has only been gone for A MONTH! I got brave enough to tell him that I am worried about him trying to move on too fast. I said Dad, just because you get up every morning and go throughout your day, doesn't mean you are dealing. You are an emotional wreck and I think you need some time. I guess he just feels like you have to start somewhere. I suppose you do, I just don't know where that would be. I am worried about him. It makes me sad to go out to the house because everything is so empty. The fridge is practically bare, the bathroom has close to nothing in it, and moms sewing stuff is all put away with a closet half empty. It pretty much sucks I have decided. I ordered the new Hillary Weeks CD and can't wait till it comes next week so I can bawl my eyes out. Plus Greys Anatomy ( my fall obsession) starts on Thursday so hopefully with those two major helps I will be on the road to healing. Keep busy right? I have been reading my moms book " A Heart Like His." Making Space for God's Love In Your Life by Virginia H. Pearce. I have really enjoyed it. My goal today is to organize my closet, dresser and the soon to be baby room. It seems like it may be a 6 month project, but beings that it is rainy outside, I don't have much of a choice.

News News News

Fertile Mertile has an announcement.........I AM PREGNANT!!!!!! I guess we have good genes because it didn't take much practice :) I guess you are not really suppose to announce it to the whole world, but everybody that knows me knows I can't be quiet about much. I am around 6 weeks and see the Doctor on Monday. As far as I know I am due in May around the 15th. I think its a girl and/or possibly twins but that is another story to blog about a different day when I don't feel like poop like I do right now. I will fill ya in later. Chris and I have been doing research and we have talked a lot about natural birth. I am totally sold! I have always been interested in midwives and having a non-traditional hospital birth since my high school child development class.

Wait, if you get offended easy, you might not want to read this. I am going to vent! Growing up I never really questioned birthing practices. I thought, you get married, get pregnant, see the doctor, when your in labor... go to the hospital, have a baby, Because that is what you do. However, being exposed to the medical profession and treating people from all walks of life, with all types of problems, I started to form some thoughts and opinions I didn't know that I would have. It all started with my carpal tunnel experience. I am not ripping on Dr's here, I am ripping on America's economical and medical politics, because that is all it is. When you go to Med school, you learn to diagnose and treat problems. You don't fix them,you medicate them or mask the symptoms basically. You have a cold, you get cold medicine, If you have an allergic reaction, you probably get a shot or antihistamine. If you have carpal tunnel, you might get PT but most likely a cortisone shot or surgery. YOU DON'T get someone telling you how to stretch, how to eat healthy to eliminate colds, how to prevent carpal tunnel by having good posture etc. They don't tell you to ice and or self treat, they write you a Rx and you are on your way. The American society wants results, now. We are lazy, if your flat....get a boob job, if your fat....get lypo right? We don't want to work, we don't want to do Physical Therapy, we want surgery Friday and back to work on Tuesday. That is how I feel about childbirth in a way.

I have heard so many horror stories of C-sections and baby shows where women are screaming and freaking out about how horrible it is, not to mention that fact that nearly every woman I know is adamant about getting an epidural. In some places, like New York, women pick a day, have a c-section and a tummy tuck in the same day!! I don't know what is more scary to me, actually giving birth naturally or getting an epidural, pitocin and possibly an unneeded c-section and having my uterus contracting like a back spasm and body being controlled by drugs that numb my motherly senses that God has given me so that I can actually enjoy the process and honor it is to give birth and to bond with my baby.

Bottom line is that there is a lot of unnecessary interventions used that don't need to be and shouldn't be, and if you have your baby in a place where those are not available the better it is for you and the baby. You can bond better, you will bounce back physically faster and the unknown risks that labor meds potentially have on your kids are prevented. Every generation back to the 20s has proven that certain types of meds given during labor have had negative and sometimes devastating effects on kids. What if it is causing the ADD, ADHD and other problems so many kids have lately? The rate of c-sections since 1996 has gone up 47% in America and it is not because American Women are at higher risk. It is because it is convenient for hospital staff and quicker as well, it makes money, opens beds up because moms are in and out fast. I don't want a fast food birthing experience. I want a reservation at a nice restaurant. When I get the birthing center, I want my Dr and Nurses to know my name because they KNOW me, not because they read it in my chart. I want Enya playing in the background, I want to hold my baby and start breastfeeding right away, I don't want nurses getting me up and telling me what to do with my baby and how and when to do it. I want to choices, and I want a caregiver who will listen to me for the next nine months, agree with my plan and be responsible to follow through with exactly what we discussed.

It is not like I want to have my baby in the barn like the cows, I am not that crazy! It is not about being cool or different. I truly believe, that our bodies have been designed to deal with birth naturally, we have hormones and big hips for a reason. Modern medicine is wonderful, but a lot of the time it is misused and boundaries get overstepped to often. The U.S. has the 2nd highest infant mortality rate in the whole world according to 2007 statistics. If we are so with it, and our drugs and practices are the best they can be for mom and baby why do we loose more moms and babies that most 3rd world countries? That is a statistic they don't hang at The OB's office. I wonder why? It would probably be bad for business I'm assuming. Needless to say, my Doctor is going to get pounded with questions on Monday.

If you are interested in any of this rent The business of Being Born the Documentary by Ricki Lake from 2007. It will blow your mind! I have seen it 3x's, Chris watched it with me last night and doesn't want me to have the baby at the hospital at all. My sister Kim was all about epidurals and drugs which is what she had with all 4 kids and when she saw this movie with me a while back and after talking with her for a while she said, if I could have healthy pregnancies and do it again, I would do it this way. Anyway... that is the end of my soap box. Sorry for making you tired.

Time out for Fishing

Yesterday my Dad and I went fishing at Jubilee Lake. It is the same lake my Mom and Dad went fishing the last time they went together. It was really great. I called Dad earlier in the week and told him I had Wednesday off and asked him if he wanted to get away for a fishing trip. We left about 5:30am, I had made lunch and he swung by on the way out of town to pick me up. We talked the whole way up and back. I was sure missing my mom. She loved to fish, and especially at Jubilee Lake. My dad out fished me by quite a lot. The limit is 5 per person and he would catch a fish that was pretty small and he'd sort through the others and keep the biggest ones. You aren't really suppose to do that. You are suppose to keep them. I caught the biggest fish but dad caught the most. It was a gorgeous day, it was a little breezy but so pretty. Every so often there would be enough of a breeze to cause a little ripple on the water and that was it. We caught our limit, (well I caught 3 worth keeping and dad caught his 5 and 2 of mine not counting the 10 or so he threw back) and headed out at about 1:00pm. A good day. I got home a took a power nap and headed off the mutual. When we got home, I cooked up the fish. Interesting! I had to picture my mom in the kitchen. She dipped them in flour right? I had to remember a ways back to figure it out. Then I gave Chris a lesson on taking the fins off and getting the meat off the bones without getting bones in it. It was pretty funny, Mom always left the heads on so I did too. Chris ate one fish and told me after eating the first one that he wouldn't mind it so bad if the fish wasn't staring at him he said! I think it grossed him out a little. Needless to say, we have a lot more fish to eat. Maybe fish tacos tomorrow night eh?