Fall is here.... and I can tell

It is officially hot herbal tea and robe time at our house. I am currently sipping some glorious "Throat Ease Tea," while snuggling with a snotty nosed kid, a roll of tp for our running noses, a tv remote that only works half the time and some warm snuggly clothes. We have been sick for about a week. Keldon started getting sick last weekend and then Chris got it. He stayed home Monday from work and I stayed home last night and today. I don't like when clients come in sick, so I try not to go in even if I'm just feeling a tickle. Its not worth it to me to be off work and get everyone else sick. That is what starts the cycle in the first place! I am suppose to be moving the office this weekend and haven't even started. I got word from the painter today that they will be in the next few days. He approved my request for 2 colors because I was wanted an accent wall like I have at my office now. I picked the same colors that are in the office right now because I love them so much. Hopefully everything will come together just right. We go to pick up a washer and dryer today for the office that I got on craigslist. Can't wait to start doing my own linens and save money....ya! Here are some of the latest, "You are so stinkin cute I can't stand it," pics of Keldon.

Missing her

Tonight I missed my mom. I miss my mom all the time but tonight I missed her a lot. Grey's Anatomy was on last night and George died. All the characters were going through different stages of grief and dealing with things different from each other.Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance It showed all the things that I am way to familiar with at this point. I cried like I always do watching that show. It seems to always have something that makes me think. I was asking myself, am I really okay? I'm I always going to feel empty when I think of her.....gone? I feel okay most of the time because I don't let myself really think about it too much. I find myself looking at her picture but then looking away quickly so I don't think too much. I have been dealing with things pretty well, or so I thought considering that my dad got remarried 6 months after she passed away and that I found out I was pregnant like 3 weeks after with my first baby. I have gotten through a lot but it seems to be getting harder lately. Its like a roller coaster, your good, your not, your good, your not. When does it end?
My mom said she wanted me to have her Bosch Mixer and when my dad got remarried he decided to keep it because his new wife didn't have one. So every time I go out there, and there is the mixer sitting on the counter in a kitchen I don't recognize, with food that is unfamiliar, and smells that are strange to me... I get mad. Mad that she is gone. Mad that I have to accept things and move on. I don't want to find a place for the piano that she also gave me, so my dad can move more crap in the family room. I want it to stay their forever where I always sat and played. She would tell me how talented I was and ask me to play a few more songs. I want to hear her funny fish stories, not from someone who is taking her place. Most of all, I am scared I will forget her. I feel cheated. I am the youngest and had the least amount of time with her. I had the littlest amount of time to get to know her. And the worst part of the whole thing is that I feel this overwhelming pressure to take care of my dad. I feel like I am going to explode sometimes. I want to be supportive, yet I don't want to act fake. I want to care, but I don't want to get sucked in. I want to help, but I don't want to do everything. I feel like I am not allowed to share anything with anyone about her, because she is gone and it hurts everyone to bad to talk about her....to DEAl. I don't want to upset my dad, so I don't bring things up. If I have a happy memory, I feel like I shouldn't share it because it's like I am rubbing it in. Is all so complicated! I took on such a huge role taking care of her and helping her go through the hardest parts of her last days that I was forced to deal with the reality but the reality is that I am still dealing. One day at a time....I'm still missing her.

My big ''Little Boy!"

Counting my blessings

Over the last couple of weeks I have felt overwhelmed with joy. I have been so happy and have been able to push all my usual crabby, complaining garbage that fills my head to the side and just breathe. I have been trying really hard to not have too many expectations and to let things like the dishes in the sink go. Chris made a comment on Sunday that he has noticed that I have had more patience. In spite of all the stuff going on surrounding my big move next month to the new office, I have taken the time to go camping 2x in the last month and not bring any work stuff along. My sister Sherri made a surprise visit over the weekend, so I spent most of Labor day off playing as well. My friend Heather Mahony from high school lost her little boy on Friday. The news came to me in a text message after I got out of a massage. I was so shocked I didn't know what to think. He was born at 25 weeks and was 1 pound 9 ounces. He was in the ICU for 3 months and after that was allowed to go home and lived a relatively normal life. He had a feeding tube and problems with acid reflux but that was the worst of it. At at 8 months was still smaller than Keldon has a newborn. He would have been 1 on the 1st of September and wasn't even 6 pounds. He died from his lungs collapsing because of a surgery as far as I know. I set up a Memorial fund blog so people could help donated towards Christian's funeral expenses. They don't have insurance and I am sure the state won't pay for a funeral. My sister-in-law Kelly was watching Keldon while I was at work so on the way to get him I was just pondering all my blessings. When I went to pick him up I was trying hard to choke back tears. He is so healthy and happy and sooooooo good. I haven't had any problems that are out of the new mom norm since I had him and my husband has been totally supportive and helpful lately. He is "very advanced for his age," my Pediatrician says. We started him eating solids last week and he has been sleeping through the night for going on 2months. I am so lucky. I can't imagine losing my child. I can't imagine sending him off to surgery's and having faith that he would come back to me okay.I can't imagine planning a funeral and picking out a tiny casket. I can't imagine going to sleep at night without being able to peek in on him like I always to before hand. I can't imagine not being able to snuggle him up after a full belly, a bath and a massage....my absolute favorite. I tell him I love him everyday, and at night when he is sleeping I go into his room and put my hand lightly on his chest to make sure he is breathing. I'm so in love with him! Things aren't always perfect, and life's not always fair but today I am happy to have all I have to bear.