Random Thoughts

I don't really know what to say or how to say it. I am drawing a blank emotionally because I feel like I am incapable of feeling anything at this point. This past week I have felt emotionally numb, like I can't feel what I really feel. Does that make any sense? Mom died last Monday, Wednesday my sisters and I went to the mortuary to dress her and then Thursday and Friday we had viewings. Saturday was the funeral, Sunday was the sleep all day-go to church-be lazy and snuggle your husband day and today I am back at my parents house helping clean up the aftermath. I went through moms bathroom today and threw away everything and anything that reminded me of her being sick and on chemo. I have a goodwill pile and a consignment pile. I kept stopping to smell her clothes. I even found some smelly lotion she always wore and put in on my arm so I could stop and smell her every once in a while. It is weird that you miss certain things like that isn't it? I keep expecting her to pop out of the sewing room and show me her latest quilting project. I am having a hard time deciding what to do with her clothes. A lot of things my sister Sherri will wear but some of her suits and things like slacks and dresses are nice but none of us girls can wear them. I think I will save all the really nice things and her sisters can come look to see what they want. I made a stash of all the cute hats mom got when she lost her hair during chemo, maybe one day when I am brave enough I will wear some of them. My dads sister (Aunt Christi) and I went through the kitchen today. We threw away a lot of old noodles and food storage type of stuff that my dad Will never use. We rearranged things so he could find things easier and go rid of items that he wouldn't use. I have been doing pretty good emotionally, at least I think I am. Maybe I am in denial. It is weird. I do good through the hard things like the funeral, which I spoke at by the way. But it is the little things that make me fall apart. My dad called last night and left me a message. " Hey sister, I am just checking in, give me a call sometime when you get a minute." Simple right? He sounded so sad and lonely. I checked the message, deleted it then bawled my eyes out for 15 minutes, all snuggled up on my bed with my Mommy's quilt like a 2 year old! I guess that is to be expected though. I haven't really cried since she died so I have a couple of free passes to fall apart when I feel like it. Chris's friend Nic from college just lost his mom last Thursday. She was 57.... had a heart attack. I feel so blessed to have had the time to prepare and say goodbye to my mom. We spent so much time together. I only went 5 or 6 days without talking to or seeing her in the last year or so. I told myself I didn't want any regrets and that I had my whole life to work and play but only so much time with my mom. I will never forget those days, especially the last few. She was so optimistic, so funny and sweet, even towards the end. We would sit together in her bed and and talk about eternity, what heaven would be like and what she was looking forward to. Who she would see and the things she imagined she might do. We have been typing her journal so all the kids can have a copy of it. What a blessing it is to have her thoughts and personal history recorded! I love to read it. I am so glad she took the time to write. She wasn't very good about being consistent but at least we have what we have. I have been making a list of things to do and what to write in my journal. I am glad that we decided to do a blog for my mom. It helped other people stay up to date with her cancer and was a journal of her fight. I am excited to print it off and put in her book and to go back and read everything. There is so much to do! I have to help get rid of all the junk at the house, go to goodwill, label things etc. There is a shoe box full of slides that need to be converted to digital and put on the computer. I need to start a scrapbook/story book for all moms things and get ready for Christmas . I am suppose to be Moms little Christmas Elf this year. I made a promise to her that I would get Christmas ready and deliver all her pre-packaged Christmas presents. I have something in mind but need to get on it. It is almost September! There is a DVD of moms pictures that we made for the funeral. Kim and I were going to try and burn a copy so all of the kids can have a copy. I need to figure out a way to organize my pictures digitally then send a copy to everyone that is in them. AHHH.... what a mess. So much work to do! All of us kids, dad, Aunt Christi and Uncle Irv and cousins Tiff and Luke went bowling the night of the funeral. I was so tired of visiting and hugging people, I wanted to get out and actually do something fun. Mom would have wanted that. We went to Atomic Bowl in Richland. They have Monte Carlo bowling, where you can win money. It was a blast. We started about 9pm and stayed till around 12:30 or so. We got some cute pictures and made some money. I made 2 bucks and Chris made 5. The pathetic thing is that it has been so long since I have worked out that I am sore from bowling. My back is killing me right now!
Here are some pictures of last week.