Monday, August 18, 2008
TORN
I am torn because my mom won't let go. I am sad that she is suffering and don't want her to stay to comfort us.... "Just go Mom!" I keep thinking that and I am feeling guilty that I want her to go. I want it to be over with so we can move on and she can be at peace, in a better place.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Slipping Away
Moms time is getting close. We are having the family out tonight at 7:00 and we are going to try to sing a few of her favorite hymns to her so she can have some reverent time with her loved ones.It is going to be hard and most of us will break down but I think it will be a very spiritual experience and something that will help her let go. It has been hard to see her go down hill so fast. Each day is more trying for her, her body gets weaker and weaker. She has had a very fun loving personality and has joked a lot this last week. She has been breathing pretty good but is having a hard time concentrating and hardly talking. She has been sleeping 80% of the time and is pretty out of it when she awake. She has been wanting to write letters to all her kids and grand kids. I typed the ones she wrote to her kids and she signed them because she was too tired to rewrite them. (This was a few weeks back). She keeps asking about her letters to the grandchildren because she never did get them written. I found a poem today that I really liked and dad suggested that we type it and give it to the grandchildren. I had her sign them and write each of the kids names on top. She had a really hard time. She kept falling asleep between writing love and grandma. Sherri and I took turns helping her move her arm to get the pen in the right spot. She keeps putting off the letter to dad because she wants to be alone and not have him around when she writes it. She got the first line down and got too tired. We will help her finish it later today. We got some really neat up close pictures of her hands so you can see her writing and her wedding ring all shiny.A while back in my personal scripture reading I found some really cool things and had some great experiences. Proverbs 31:28-29. Her Children arise up and call her blessed, her husband also and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously but thou excellest them all. Psalms 27:14 Wait on the Lord, be of good courage and he will strengthen thine heart. Wait, I say, on the Lord. D&C 101:14,16,29,36-38 And all they who have mourned shall be comforted therefore, let your hearts be comforted concerning Zion, for all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am god. Wherefore care not for the body neither the life of the body, but care for the soul and for the life of the soul. And seek the face of the Lord always, that in patience ye may possess your souls and ye shall have eternal life. 29) And there shall be no sorrow, because there is no death. D&C 24:8- Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many but endure them for lo, I am with thee even unto the end of thy days.D&C 58-2-4 For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that a keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death ; and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven. 3 Ye cannot behold with your natural yes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation. 4 For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.7.My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; 8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. 9 Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
thoughts from kim
I posted this because I am not strong enough to write like this but I feel the exact same way and I think all of us girls have had this experience so I took this from Kim's blog to post it
My mom is dying.
I've rolled that sentence around in my brain. I've pondered on what this really means for me. I haven't fully grasped all the changes that will happen in my life after she's gone. The other day I sat down beside her on the couch and nestled my face into the crook of her neck. I could hardly restrain my sobs. She always smells so good and I instantly feel comforted when she holds me. My heart cried out because it hit me just how much I am going to miss her sweet smell and so much more.This sweet woman that I've been privileged to have as a mother is withering away and I'm watching her suffer. As of yesterday, the hospice nurse thinks she only has a week left. She could hardly talk today. She can't breath very well and it seems to take to much energy to speak. She hardly eats anything and when she does she can't keep it down. For some reason she is very nauseated.Tonight, after family prayer I explained to my kids that grandma is very close to dying and that she's not getting better. Devon, buried his head in his arms and cried. We all held each other and Whitney said, "Mommy, its going to be okay, because Grandma is going to live again, and she will be in Heaven with Jesus." (My sweet sweet baby girl. I love her.) That very thing is the reason I will get through this. There is no doubt in my mind that I will see her again. I'm so very grateful that I know this. Please pray for my family. Goodnight.
My mom is dying.
I've rolled that sentence around in my brain. I've pondered on what this really means for me. I haven't fully grasped all the changes that will happen in my life after she's gone. The other day I sat down beside her on the couch and nestled my face into the crook of her neck. I could hardly restrain my sobs. She always smells so good and I instantly feel comforted when she holds me. My heart cried out because it hit me just how much I am going to miss her sweet smell and so much more.This sweet woman that I've been privileged to have as a mother is withering away and I'm watching her suffer. As of yesterday, the hospice nurse thinks she only has a week left. She could hardly talk today. She can't breath very well and it seems to take to much energy to speak. She hardly eats anything and when she does she can't keep it down. For some reason she is very nauseated.Tonight, after family prayer I explained to my kids that grandma is very close to dying and that she's not getting better. Devon, buried his head in his arms and cried. We all held each other and Whitney said, "Mommy, its going to be okay, because Grandma is going to live again, and she will be in Heaven with Jesus." (My sweet sweet baby girl. I love her.) That very thing is the reason I will get through this. There is no doubt in my mind that I will see her again. I'm so very grateful that I know this. Please pray for my family. Goodnight.
update on my mom
This is a re-post from moms blog.. Its hard to write 2 things.Sherri and her husband Darin are coming tomorrow to stay with Mom. She is leaving her kids home and her husband will stay until Sunday and then go back home. We have had several Birthdays this week. Shawn's was Sunday, then moms sister Vera, Gracie -(Stevens youngest) today, dads is the 8th, and the oldest grandson Kolby (Monte's) is 20 on the 9th I think.Mom is getting weaker each day. She spends most of the time resting and doesn't have very much energy to talk. She gets worn out pretty easy. Today she spend most of the time sleeping but was up to the dinner table tonight and was alert for company. No nausea today either! We caught it early and she never did get sick. We are draining her fluid everyday now so she can breath a little easier and not fight it so much. It has been between 250-400 ml each time which is a lot, About 2 liters a week. The hospice nurse doesn't think she will live much longer, maybe a little over a week. It has been quite and emotional roller coaster for all of us. I tend to report on the blog so matter-o-factly because it is too hard to talk about the mushy stuff. All of us kids have tried to spend time with her. It gets hard when you have a family and a job and a life to continue on living. I feel so blessed to be as free as I am and have the ability to spend a lot of time with her. I have been trying to organize all her pictures and get things straightened out so she feels good about leaving her house in order. She had some sisters from the ward come and sing hymns to her today. It was really sweet and I was glad to figure out mom and dads digital camera can video record so I got it on the camera. She really enjoyed it. It was the best part of her day. Last night Brother Macky and Brother Mickelson came to visit and dad the the brethren were able to give mom a blessing. She has good feelings, a good attitude about passing. She has reassured us she is okay to go. Brother Harold Sanders and Bishop Law came to visit mom tonight and gave dad a blessing before they left.
I am so thankful for the gospel and the things that it teaches us and for the many blessings that come from obeying the commandments and living our best. It is amazing how much your testimony grows in times like these. People always say that and I don't know how many times I have said it myself but truly I have never had a more firm testimony in my entire life that my Savior loves me and knows what I am going through than right now. There are too many things that "just work out," it amazes me. The other night, I wanted to get away and get a break. My husband and I went out on the boat around 8pm. We were going to go up river and float down while we went fishing in the dark and just relax. As we were putting the boat in, I had my purse flung over my shoulder and was waiting at the dock to catch the boat as it came into the water. As I was bending down to catch it I heard a small splash and watched my hot pink phone float quickly to the bottom. I was so mad and sad and stressed all at the same time I just froze. About 5 minutes goes by and Chris came down the dock. I said, "Um guess what honey? I just dropped my phone in the river." He got in the boat, grabbed a pair of goggles, went down the boat ramp to the spot I dropped it and dove under. Not only did he find my phone but our digital camera as well, which I apparently forgot was in my purse and didn't know I had dropped it because all I saw was pink. 2 days prior, I took about 100 pictures including many of mom, off the camera and saved them to the computer. That was a miracle in its self. I took my phone and the camera apart and let it dry all night and the next day. Around noon the next day, my phone turned on and to make a long story short, after about 3-4 times turning it on and off, some blow drying action and a prayer, my phone works absolutely perfect. The camera turns on at this point at looks as though it will work but I need to charge the batteries. The same day, I bounced a check for my office rent and was freaking out that I had no money because I have taken so much time off and am waiting for some insurance reimbursement checks. I went into town and while driving by my office decided to check my mail. I received a check for the amount of my bounced check, overdraft fee and a little extra for a cushion. The next morning, my youngest brother Kent and my nephew Kolby were driving to work together at about 4:30 am and Kolby fell asleep at the wheel, crossed the left lane of traffic on the freeway, drove into a ditch, through a fence and barely missed a tree. The air bags deployed and the car got scratched a little on the side. The boys were safe and neither one was hurt. I would say that my family has been blessed. In hard times, in bitter times, we are still able to taste the sweet. That is what keeps me going. Every night that I get in bed and am too tired to think I seem to always remember I have forgotten to say my prayers. I want to just say them laying there but feel guilty so I try to convince myself to get up and kneel in bed. When my mom was a little stronger and before she was in the hospital bed, I would get her all ready for bed and we would sit and talk a little until her sleeping pill would kick in. One time she was just about asleep and then she sat up and said, I still need to say my prayers. She got up, walked to the end of her bed and knelt down to pray. Ever since that night, I get my lazy bum out of my bed when I have that fight with myself and I kneel down. She has cancer... If she can do it, I can do it. It means a lot more and it is humbling. I will be forever thankful for my moms good attitude and righteous example. One day I had a headache and I snuggled up next to her in her bed and she started to rub my head. That is what I will miss about my mom, her selfless attitude and her giving little heart. Last night when I left the house she asked my if I would help her write some thank you cards. The woman is dying, and she is thinking about how she needs to get her thank you cards out! She is amazing. I am pretty sure I only got half of mine down for my wedding.
I am so thankful for the gospel and the things that it teaches us and for the many blessings that come from obeying the commandments and living our best. It is amazing how much your testimony grows in times like these. People always say that and I don't know how many times I have said it myself but truly I have never had a more firm testimony in my entire life that my Savior loves me and knows what I am going through than right now. There are too many things that "just work out," it amazes me. The other night, I wanted to get away and get a break. My husband and I went out on the boat around 8pm. We were going to go up river and float down while we went fishing in the dark and just relax. As we were putting the boat in, I had my purse flung over my shoulder and was waiting at the dock to catch the boat as it came into the water. As I was bending down to catch it I heard a small splash and watched my hot pink phone float quickly to the bottom. I was so mad and sad and stressed all at the same time I just froze. About 5 minutes goes by and Chris came down the dock. I said, "Um guess what honey? I just dropped my phone in the river." He got in the boat, grabbed a pair of goggles, went down the boat ramp to the spot I dropped it and dove under. Not only did he find my phone but our digital camera as well, which I apparently forgot was in my purse and didn't know I had dropped it because all I saw was pink. 2 days prior, I took about 100 pictures including many of mom, off the camera and saved them to the computer. That was a miracle in its self. I took my phone and the camera apart and let it dry all night and the next day. Around noon the next day, my phone turned on and to make a long story short, after about 3-4 times turning it on and off, some blow drying action and a prayer, my phone works absolutely perfect. The camera turns on at this point at looks as though it will work but I need to charge the batteries. The same day, I bounced a check for my office rent and was freaking out that I had no money because I have taken so much time off and am waiting for some insurance reimbursement checks. I went into town and while driving by my office decided to check my mail. I received a check for the amount of my bounced check, overdraft fee and a little extra for a cushion. The next morning, my youngest brother Kent and my nephew Kolby were driving to work together at about 4:30 am and Kolby fell asleep at the wheel, crossed the left lane of traffic on the freeway, drove into a ditch, through a fence and barely missed a tree. The air bags deployed and the car got scratched a little on the side. The boys were safe and neither one was hurt. I would say that my family has been blessed. In hard times, in bitter times, we are still able to taste the sweet. That is what keeps me going. Every night that I get in bed and am too tired to think I seem to always remember I have forgotten to say my prayers. I want to just say them laying there but feel guilty so I try to convince myself to get up and kneel in bed. When my mom was a little stronger and before she was in the hospital bed, I would get her all ready for bed and we would sit and talk a little until her sleeping pill would kick in. One time she was just about asleep and then she sat up and said, I still need to say my prayers. She got up, walked to the end of her bed and knelt down to pray. Ever since that night, I get my lazy bum out of my bed when I have that fight with myself and I kneel down. She has cancer... If she can do it, I can do it. It means a lot more and it is humbling. I will be forever thankful for my moms good attitude and righteous example. One day I had a headache and I snuggled up next to her in her bed and she started to rub my head. That is what I will miss about my mom, her selfless attitude and her giving little heart. Last night when I left the house she asked my if I would help her write some thank you cards. The woman is dying, and she is thinking about how she needs to get her thank you cards out! She is amazing. I am pretty sure I only got half of mine down for my wedding.
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