Tonight I missed my mom. I miss my mom all the time but tonight I missed her a lot. Grey's Anatomy was on last night and George died. All the characters were going through different stages of grief and dealing with things different from each other.Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance It showed all the things that I am way to familiar with at this point. I cried like I always do watching that show. It seems to always have something that makes me think. I was asking myself, am I really okay? I'm I always going to feel empty when I think of her.....gone? I feel okay most of the time because I don't let myself really think about it too much. I find myself looking at her picture but then looking away quickly so I don't think too much. I have been dealing with things pretty well, or so I thought considering that my dad got remarried 6 months after she passed away and that I found out I was pregnant like 3 weeks after with my first baby. I have gotten through a lot but it seems to be getting harder lately. Its like a roller coaster, your good, your not, your good, your not. When does it end?
My mom said she wanted me to have her Bosch Mixer and when my dad got remarried he decided to keep it because his new wife didn't have one. So every time I go out there, and there is the mixer sitting on the counter in a kitchen I don't recognize, with food that is unfamiliar, and smells that are strange to me... I get mad. Mad that she is gone. Mad that I have to accept things and move on. I don't want to find a place for the piano that she also gave me, so my dad can move more crap in the family room. I want it to stay their forever where I always sat and played. She would tell me how talented I was and ask me to play a few more songs. I want to hear her funny fish stories, not from someone who is taking her place. Most of all, I am scared I will forget her. I feel cheated. I am the youngest and had the least amount of time with her. I had the littlest amount of time to get to know her. And the worst part of the whole thing is that I feel this overwhelming pressure to take care of my dad. I feel like I am going to explode sometimes. I want to be supportive, yet I don't want to act fake. I want to care, but I don't want to get sucked in. I want to help, but I don't want to do everything. I feel like I am not allowed to share anything with anyone about her, because she is gone and it hurts everyone to bad to talk about her....to DEAl. I don't want to upset my dad, so I don't bring things up. If I have a happy memory, I feel like I shouldn't share it because it's like I am rubbing it in. Is all so complicated! I took on such a huge role taking care of her and helping her go through the hardest parts of her last days that I was forced to deal with the reality but the reality is that I am still dealing. One day at a time....I'm still missing her.
2 comments:
Oh Melanie, I wish I had some wise words to give you. All I know is that you have to deal with some hard stuff, and I think it is okay to feel all those things! Holy smokes. Love your little one. Love your sweetheart. Share with them the stories and feelings about your mom. I hope you can find comfort on those difficult days. Lots of love to you girl.
You can talk to me about your Mom anytime...for as long as you like. I love to talk about her. I miss her too, but it makes me feel good to talk about her. She was so special :-)
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