Thoughts on my Mother

Next month marks the anniversary of my moms passing. I am not really looking forward to the emotional reality I will have to face. Lately, my sisters and I have been talking a little about her and trying not to dive too deep because we all know what is coming and that if we can just hold on a little longer and choke back the tears that soon it is all bound to come out. Whenever I think about her, instead of focusing on the bad stuff that happened I am trying hard to remember the good times, before she got sick. It is hard for me not to be bitter because I am the youngest and had the least amount of time to know her. If only I had known huh? I think back to all the struggles I caused her high school because I was such a brat. I took advantage of the amazing mom I had. I think that is why I was so close to her when I moved back home after massage school. I wanted to make up for lost time in a way. When she was sick, I felt this obligation to be there all the time. She always told me to go home and take care of my husband and that he was my first priority now but when I went out there I felt like I was already home and I didn't want to leave her. When I would go home at night I would crawl in bed and snuggle with Chris and just bawl and tell him how much I love him and tell him sorry I wasn't perfect.

It was hard for me to see her sick and not be able to do the things she wanted. I bundled her up in a winter coat and hat in the spring so she could sit outside for a few minutes and see the flowers and hear the birds singing. I liked to sit with her and talk to her about her life growing up. She didn't like to dwell on the past and hated negativity. However, I got her to talk to me a couple of times about her childhood. I brought out my laptop and typed while she talked and learned some things I didn't know about her. After she passed away, I typed her journal and gave a copy to all of my siblings as part of Christmas package. It has almost been a year and my memories of her already seem to be fading. It makes me sad as I talk to my sisters about her because we all want to remember her but it's hard to talk about things without completely losing it so it is easier to not deal with it. I took the last month of her life off of work to be able to help her as much as possible. I dealt with things pretty well emotionally I thought and pulled it together enough to write her obituary and speak at her funeral but sometimes I still feel like her baby lost in the store, calling for he, but not hearing her voice. I miss her. I want her to hold my baby and tell me how cute he is. I want to can peaches and pears with her and pick green beans in the garden for dinner. I want to snuggle on the couch and watch a lifetime movie and cry the afternoon away while she rubs my head and tells me how pretty I am. I want to live my life better everyday so that I am worthy to be in the place that she is right now. Don't take the people in your life for granted. Love them, but more importantly treat them like you love them. Say your sorry and ask for forgiveness when you have offended them. When you have one of those days that is the BEST DAY EVER or a memory that puts a smile on your face....write it down. Last night I couldn't sleep and Keldon was in bed asleep but I knew if I woke him up he would eat and I would be able to sleep in in the morning. Lately I have been going through the mommy motions and being sort of annoyed that I have to stop what I am doing to feed him and have basically been selfish with my time. I took him out of his crib and rocked with him and kissed him all over and told him how much I loved him. My mom told me once, " You think you love your husband and you do, but just wait till you have a baby. You will love that baby more than anything in the world. There is nothing like your first baby." So I snuggled with him and cried and just soaked up the moment. I can sleep later, he is only this small on this day.... once. I thought about what I would regret if he was gone tomorrow and that was spending time with him. I held him even longer until I couldn't stay awake any longer and put him back in bed. I got in my own bed and then after a few minutes got back up and went in to watch him sleep for a minute. I use to do this with my mom when she was sick. Soak up the memories....and write them down. That is my challenge to you.

I changed this story a little
Love You Forever by Robert Munsch

A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she held her, she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

The baby grew. She grew and she grew and she grew. She grew until she was two years old, and she ran all around the house. She pulled all the books off the shelves. She pulled all the food out of the refrigerator and She took her mother's watch and flushed it down the toilet. Sometimes her mother would say, "this kid is driving me CRAZY!"

But at night time, when that two-year-old was quiet, she opened the door to her room, crawled across the floor, looked up over the side of her bed; and if she was really asleep she picked her up and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked her she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

The little girl grew. She grew and she grew and she grew. She grew until she was nine years old. And she never wanted to come in for dinner, she never wanted to take a bath, and when grandma visited she always said bad words. Sometimes her mother wanted to sell her to the zoo!

But at night time, when she was asleep, the mother quietly opened the door to her room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If she was really asleep, she picked up that nine-year-old girl and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked her she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

The girl grew. She grew and she grew and she grew. She grew until she was a teenager. She had strange friends and she wore strange clothes and she listened to strange music. Sometimes the mother felt like she was in a zoo!

But at night time, when that teenager was asleep, the mother opened the door to her room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If she was really asleep she picked up that great big girl and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked her she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

That teenager grew. She grew and she grew and she grew. She grew until she was a grown-up woman. She left home and got a house across town. But sometimes on dark nights the mother got into her car and drove across town. If all the lights in her daughter's house were out, she opened her bedroom window, crawled across the floor, and looked up over the side of her bed. If that great big woman was really asleep she picked her up and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked her she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

Well, that mother, she got older. She got older and older and older. One day she called up her daughter and said, "You'd better come see me because I'm very old and sick." So her daughter came to see her. When he came in the door she tried to sing the song. She sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always...

But she couldn't finish because she was too old and sick. The daughter went to her mother. She picked her up and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. she sang this song:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my Mommy you'll be.

When the daughter came home that night, she stood for a long time at the top of the stairs. Then she went into the room where her very new baby boy was sleeping.She picked him up in her arms and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

Mom I will love you forever, I miss you always,

as long as I'm living my Mommy you'll be!