Fall is here.... and I can tell

It is officially hot herbal tea and robe time at our house. I am currently sipping some glorious "Throat Ease Tea," while snuggling with a snotty nosed kid, a roll of tp for our running noses, a tv remote that only works half the time and some warm snuggly clothes. We have been sick for about a week. Keldon started getting sick last weekend and then Chris got it. He stayed home Monday from work and I stayed home last night and today. I don't like when clients come in sick, so I try not to go in even if I'm just feeling a tickle. Its not worth it to me to be off work and get everyone else sick. That is what starts the cycle in the first place! I am suppose to be moving the office this weekend and haven't even started. I got word from the painter today that they will be in the next few days. He approved my request for 2 colors because I was wanted an accent wall like I have at my office now. I picked the same colors that are in the office right now because I love them so much. Hopefully everything will come together just right. We go to pick up a washer and dryer today for the office that I got on craigslist. Can't wait to start doing my own linens and save money....ya! Here are some of the latest, "You are so stinkin cute I can't stand it," pics of Keldon.

Missing her

Tonight I missed my mom. I miss my mom all the time but tonight I missed her a lot. Grey's Anatomy was on last night and George died. All the characters were going through different stages of grief and dealing with things different from each other.Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance It showed all the things that I am way to familiar with at this point. I cried like I always do watching that show. It seems to always have something that makes me think. I was asking myself, am I really okay? I'm I always going to feel empty when I think of her.....gone? I feel okay most of the time because I don't let myself really think about it too much. I find myself looking at her picture but then looking away quickly so I don't think too much. I have been dealing with things pretty well, or so I thought considering that my dad got remarried 6 months after she passed away and that I found out I was pregnant like 3 weeks after with my first baby. I have gotten through a lot but it seems to be getting harder lately. Its like a roller coaster, your good, your not, your good, your not. When does it end?
My mom said she wanted me to have her Bosch Mixer and when my dad got remarried he decided to keep it because his new wife didn't have one. So every time I go out there, and there is the mixer sitting on the counter in a kitchen I don't recognize, with food that is unfamiliar, and smells that are strange to me... I get mad. Mad that she is gone. Mad that I have to accept things and move on. I don't want to find a place for the piano that she also gave me, so my dad can move more crap in the family room. I want it to stay their forever where I always sat and played. She would tell me how talented I was and ask me to play a few more songs. I want to hear her funny fish stories, not from someone who is taking her place. Most of all, I am scared I will forget her. I feel cheated. I am the youngest and had the least amount of time with her. I had the littlest amount of time to get to know her. And the worst part of the whole thing is that I feel this overwhelming pressure to take care of my dad. I feel like I am going to explode sometimes. I want to be supportive, yet I don't want to act fake. I want to care, but I don't want to get sucked in. I want to help, but I don't want to do everything. I feel like I am not allowed to share anything with anyone about her, because she is gone and it hurts everyone to bad to talk about her....to DEAl. I don't want to upset my dad, so I don't bring things up. If I have a happy memory, I feel like I shouldn't share it because it's like I am rubbing it in. Is all so complicated! I took on such a huge role taking care of her and helping her go through the hardest parts of her last days that I was forced to deal with the reality but the reality is that I am still dealing. One day at a time....I'm still missing her.

My big ''Little Boy!"

Counting my blessings

Over the last couple of weeks I have felt overwhelmed with joy. I have been so happy and have been able to push all my usual crabby, complaining garbage that fills my head to the side and just breathe. I have been trying really hard to not have too many expectations and to let things like the dishes in the sink go. Chris made a comment on Sunday that he has noticed that I have had more patience. In spite of all the stuff going on surrounding my big move next month to the new office, I have taken the time to go camping 2x in the last month and not bring any work stuff along. My sister Sherri made a surprise visit over the weekend, so I spent most of Labor day off playing as well. My friend Heather Mahony from high school lost her little boy on Friday. The news came to me in a text message after I got out of a massage. I was so shocked I didn't know what to think. He was born at 25 weeks and was 1 pound 9 ounces. He was in the ICU for 3 months and after that was allowed to go home and lived a relatively normal life. He had a feeding tube and problems with acid reflux but that was the worst of it. At at 8 months was still smaller than Keldon has a newborn. He would have been 1 on the 1st of September and wasn't even 6 pounds. He died from his lungs collapsing because of a surgery as far as I know. I set up a Memorial fund blog so people could help donated towards Christian's funeral expenses. They don't have insurance and I am sure the state won't pay for a funeral. My sister-in-law Kelly was watching Keldon while I was at work so on the way to get him I was just pondering all my blessings. When I went to pick him up I was trying hard to choke back tears. He is so healthy and happy and sooooooo good. I haven't had any problems that are out of the new mom norm since I had him and my husband has been totally supportive and helpful lately. He is "very advanced for his age," my Pediatrician says. We started him eating solids last week and he has been sleeping through the night for going on 2months. I am so lucky. I can't imagine losing my child. I can't imagine sending him off to surgery's and having faith that he would come back to me okay.I can't imagine planning a funeral and picking out a tiny casket. I can't imagine going to sleep at night without being able to peek in on him like I always to before hand. I can't imagine not being able to snuggle him up after a full belly, a bath and a massage....my absolute favorite. I tell him I love him everyday, and at night when he is sleeping I go into his room and put my hand lightly on his chest to make sure he is breathing. I'm so in love with him! Things aren't always perfect, and life's not always fair but today I am happy to have all I have to bear.

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today, I lost one of my best friends....my mom. I laid next to her each day and drank up every moment I could hear her heart still beating. I would listen to her breath while she slept and pray she would keep breathing....stay longer, Don't leave me momma. I have a testimony of the gospel and the atonement of Jesus Christ. I know I will see her again. I have felt her presence since she has been gone, a birthday hug and a few hard moments in labor that I can not deny. However, I still miss her voice and her funny little shake when she stirred up something good. She was a lady who everybody loved, who was always positive, who gave the best advice, made the best baked goods ever, sewed the best quilts and gave the best head rubs. I went to lunch with my dad today and then out the Fred Meyer to pick out some flowers to put on her grave. I couldn't help but hear a little mom voice saying, "Save yourself $2 and get the cheaper ones, they look the same. Don't waste your money on flowers that are just going to die anyway." I said it out loud and dad I both laughed and teared up a little. We picked out a mini red rose bush. I can just hear mom now, "Melanie.... have you seen my roses? They are blooming, you better go out front and see them." I use to cart a pitcher of water from the kitchen through the living room out to the front porch to water moms rose bushes. I loved spring because she would get so excited to see her flowers come up and start blooming. Pretty flowers remind me of my mom, especially well trimmed rose bushes.
We took some time to clean the cement part of the grave off and wiped the front side clean. I was trying to be all business and choke back my tears when my dad starting sobbing. I couldn't help but stand there so blurred up, I couldn't even see. I didn't know what to do or say. My throat had been in a knot all day and my stomach felt as though someone had kicked me. I just watched him cry helplessly. We hugged and held each other for a long time. He told me how much he missed her and how sometimes when he is alone he just loses it. We talked about going through the motions and how some days are harder than others. I told him I was glad he was my friend. We have come a long way, him and I. I like spending time with him because it makes me feel close to her. I know that things are different now, the house is different, the decorations, the smell... but she is still there sometimes to me. I pull onto Game Farm road and pass the mules in the front pasture and into the drive way with the grass all mowed I go. I can almost smell the cinnamon rolls and hear the sewing machine going. I can see that the freezer is in the process of being defrosted and the floor has just been vacuumed. I see her come through the utility room door from the laundry room, putting a fresh load in and hearing the dryer going while she throws away the lint. A day to visit with mom...Yea!!! No matter how many days go by without her, that is how I will imagine it. It is what keeps me going. I find myself itching to make something I shouldn't eat like chocolate cake, but I try it because that is what my mom would do. I attempted the famous crazy cake she always made for my dad this year on his birthday. I wore her slippers and my little apron and hummed Neil Diamond and Que Serra. I never knew how important all those little things she did would mean to me. No one else is going to eat the jam I made this year besides me, but I made it because that is what you do when you are a mom. You make jam right? Someday, if I try real hard, I might be at least half the mom she was to me. I heard this song 2 days ago....its a tear jerker
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8sWwFIFlK8

Thoughts on my Mother

Next month marks the anniversary of my moms passing. I am not really looking forward to the emotional reality I will have to face. Lately, my sisters and I have been talking a little about her and trying not to dive too deep because we all know what is coming and that if we can just hold on a little longer and choke back the tears that soon it is all bound to come out. Whenever I think about her, instead of focusing on the bad stuff that happened I am trying hard to remember the good times, before she got sick. It is hard for me not to be bitter because I am the youngest and had the least amount of time to know her. If only I had known huh? I think back to all the struggles I caused her high school because I was such a brat. I took advantage of the amazing mom I had. I think that is why I was so close to her when I moved back home after massage school. I wanted to make up for lost time in a way. When she was sick, I felt this obligation to be there all the time. She always told me to go home and take care of my husband and that he was my first priority now but when I went out there I felt like I was already home and I didn't want to leave her. When I would go home at night I would crawl in bed and snuggle with Chris and just bawl and tell him how much I love him and tell him sorry I wasn't perfect.

It was hard for me to see her sick and not be able to do the things she wanted. I bundled her up in a winter coat and hat in the spring so she could sit outside for a few minutes and see the flowers and hear the birds singing. I liked to sit with her and talk to her about her life growing up. She didn't like to dwell on the past and hated negativity. However, I got her to talk to me a couple of times about her childhood. I brought out my laptop and typed while she talked and learned some things I didn't know about her. After she passed away, I typed her journal and gave a copy to all of my siblings as part of Christmas package. It has almost been a year and my memories of her already seem to be fading. It makes me sad as I talk to my sisters about her because we all want to remember her but it's hard to talk about things without completely losing it so it is easier to not deal with it. I took the last month of her life off of work to be able to help her as much as possible. I dealt with things pretty well emotionally I thought and pulled it together enough to write her obituary and speak at her funeral but sometimes I still feel like her baby lost in the store, calling for he, but not hearing her voice. I miss her. I want her to hold my baby and tell me how cute he is. I want to can peaches and pears with her and pick green beans in the garden for dinner. I want to snuggle on the couch and watch a lifetime movie and cry the afternoon away while she rubs my head and tells me how pretty I am. I want to live my life better everyday so that I am worthy to be in the place that she is right now. Don't take the people in your life for granted. Love them, but more importantly treat them like you love them. Say your sorry and ask for forgiveness when you have offended them. When you have one of those days that is the BEST DAY EVER or a memory that puts a smile on your face....write it down. Last night I couldn't sleep and Keldon was in bed asleep but I knew if I woke him up he would eat and I would be able to sleep in in the morning. Lately I have been going through the mommy motions and being sort of annoyed that I have to stop what I am doing to feed him and have basically been selfish with my time. I took him out of his crib and rocked with him and kissed him all over and told him how much I loved him. My mom told me once, " You think you love your husband and you do, but just wait till you have a baby. You will love that baby more than anything in the world. There is nothing like your first baby." So I snuggled with him and cried and just soaked up the moment. I can sleep later, he is only this small on this day.... once. I thought about what I would regret if he was gone tomorrow and that was spending time with him. I held him even longer until I couldn't stay awake any longer and put him back in bed. I got in my own bed and then after a few minutes got back up and went in to watch him sleep for a minute. I use to do this with my mom when she was sick. Soak up the memories....and write them down. That is my challenge to you.

I changed this story a little
Love You Forever by Robert Munsch

A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she held her, she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

The baby grew. She grew and she grew and she grew. She grew until she was two years old, and she ran all around the house. She pulled all the books off the shelves. She pulled all the food out of the refrigerator and She took her mother's watch and flushed it down the toilet. Sometimes her mother would say, "this kid is driving me CRAZY!"

But at night time, when that two-year-old was quiet, she opened the door to her room, crawled across the floor, looked up over the side of her bed; and if she was really asleep she picked her up and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked her she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

The little girl grew. She grew and she grew and she grew. She grew until she was nine years old. And she never wanted to come in for dinner, she never wanted to take a bath, and when grandma visited she always said bad words. Sometimes her mother wanted to sell her to the zoo!

But at night time, when she was asleep, the mother quietly opened the door to her room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If she was really asleep, she picked up that nine-year-old girl and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked her she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

The girl grew. She grew and she grew and she grew. She grew until she was a teenager. She had strange friends and she wore strange clothes and she listened to strange music. Sometimes the mother felt like she was in a zoo!

But at night time, when that teenager was asleep, the mother opened the door to her room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If she was really asleep she picked up that great big girl and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked her she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

That teenager grew. She grew and she grew and she grew. She grew until she was a grown-up woman. She left home and got a house across town. But sometimes on dark nights the mother got into her car and drove across town. If all the lights in her daughter's house were out, she opened her bedroom window, crawled across the floor, and looked up over the side of her bed. If that great big woman was really asleep she picked her up and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked her she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

Well, that mother, she got older. She got older and older and older. One day she called up her daughter and said, "You'd better come see me because I'm very old and sick." So her daughter came to see her. When he came in the door she tried to sing the song. She sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always...

But she couldn't finish because she was too old and sick. The daughter went to her mother. She picked her up and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. she sang this song:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my Mommy you'll be.

When the daughter came home that night, she stood for a long time at the top of the stairs. Then she went into the room where her very new baby boy was sleeping.She picked him up in her arms and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

Mom I will love you forever, I miss you always,

as long as I'm living my Mommy you'll be!