Moving on is really hard

I keep telling myself that I am okay and that things will get better with time. I am aware that I will have good times and bad times and that it is to be expected. I have had an especially hard time this week missing my mom. I want to tell her how I am feeling and tell her all the ideas I have, that Chris and I actually agree on a baby name and that I have been thinking about her everyday. I haven't been sleeping all through the night for about a week now. I usually get up to go pee about 3 times and at least one of the trips leaves me wide awake on some sort of thinking rampage and I can't go back to sleep. Last night I totally lost it, starting bawling in my bed missing my mom and left the bedroom and went in the spare bedroom where I have some of her things. I took out her little snugly pillow that she used all the time when she was sick and sat on the floor hugging it with my fuzzy blanket around me and sobbed until my head hurt too much to continue. I finally said a prayer that I could sleep through the night and settled on the couch. My dad recently made a profile on LDS Singles and at first I thought it was kind of funny. After talking to him about it the last 2 days, I finally realized last night that it is freaking me out and that I am not ready for that. I know that he is lonely and that he and Mom discussed that it was okay for him to move on but she has only been gone for A MONTH! I got brave enough to tell him that I am worried about him trying to move on too fast. I said Dad, just because you get up every morning and go throughout your day, doesn't mean you are dealing. You are an emotional wreck and I think you need some time. I guess he just feels like you have to start somewhere. I suppose you do, I just don't know where that would be. I am worried about him. It makes me sad to go out to the house because everything is so empty. The fridge is practically bare, the bathroom has close to nothing in it, and moms sewing stuff is all put away with a closet half empty. It pretty much sucks I have decided. I ordered the new Hillary Weeks CD and can't wait till it comes next week so I can bawl my eyes out. Plus Greys Anatomy ( my fall obsession) starts on Thursday so hopefully with those two major helps I will be on the road to healing. Keep busy right? I have been reading my moms book " A Heart Like His." Making Space for God's Love In Your Life by Virginia H. Pearce. I have really enjoyed it. My goal today is to organize my closet, dresser and the soon to be baby room. It seems like it may be a 6 month project, but beings that it is rainy outside, I don't have much of a choice.

News News News

Fertile Mertile has an announcement.........I AM PREGNANT!!!!!! I guess we have good genes because it didn't take much practice :) I guess you are not really suppose to announce it to the whole world, but everybody that knows me knows I can't be quiet about much. I am around 6 weeks and see the Doctor on Monday. As far as I know I am due in May around the 15th. I think its a girl and/or possibly twins but that is another story to blog about a different day when I don't feel like poop like I do right now. I will fill ya in later. Chris and I have been doing research and we have talked a lot about natural birth. I am totally sold! I have always been interested in midwives and having a non-traditional hospital birth since my high school child development class.

Wait, if you get offended easy, you might not want to read this. I am going to vent! Growing up I never really questioned birthing practices. I thought, you get married, get pregnant, see the doctor, when your in labor... go to the hospital, have a baby, Because that is what you do. However, being exposed to the medical profession and treating people from all walks of life, with all types of problems, I started to form some thoughts and opinions I didn't know that I would have. It all started with my carpal tunnel experience. I am not ripping on Dr's here, I am ripping on America's economical and medical politics, because that is all it is. When you go to Med school, you learn to diagnose and treat problems. You don't fix them,you medicate them or mask the symptoms basically. You have a cold, you get cold medicine, If you have an allergic reaction, you probably get a shot or antihistamine. If you have carpal tunnel, you might get PT but most likely a cortisone shot or surgery. YOU DON'T get someone telling you how to stretch, how to eat healthy to eliminate colds, how to prevent carpal tunnel by having good posture etc. They don't tell you to ice and or self treat, they write you a Rx and you are on your way. The American society wants results, now. We are lazy, if your flat....get a boob job, if your fat....get lypo right? We don't want to work, we don't want to do Physical Therapy, we want surgery Friday and back to work on Tuesday. That is how I feel about childbirth in a way.

I have heard so many horror stories of C-sections and baby shows where women are screaming and freaking out about how horrible it is, not to mention that fact that nearly every woman I know is adamant about getting an epidural. In some places, like New York, women pick a day, have a c-section and a tummy tuck in the same day!! I don't know what is more scary to me, actually giving birth naturally or getting an epidural, pitocin and possibly an unneeded c-section and having my uterus contracting like a back spasm and body being controlled by drugs that numb my motherly senses that God has given me so that I can actually enjoy the process and honor it is to give birth and to bond with my baby.

Bottom line is that there is a lot of unnecessary interventions used that don't need to be and shouldn't be, and if you have your baby in a place where those are not available the better it is for you and the baby. You can bond better, you will bounce back physically faster and the unknown risks that labor meds potentially have on your kids are prevented. Every generation back to the 20s has proven that certain types of meds given during labor have had negative and sometimes devastating effects on kids. What if it is causing the ADD, ADHD and other problems so many kids have lately? The rate of c-sections since 1996 has gone up 47% in America and it is not because American Women are at higher risk. It is because it is convenient for hospital staff and quicker as well, it makes money, opens beds up because moms are in and out fast. I don't want a fast food birthing experience. I want a reservation at a nice restaurant. When I get the birthing center, I want my Dr and Nurses to know my name because they KNOW me, not because they read it in my chart. I want Enya playing in the background, I want to hold my baby and start breastfeeding right away, I don't want nurses getting me up and telling me what to do with my baby and how and when to do it. I want to choices, and I want a caregiver who will listen to me for the next nine months, agree with my plan and be responsible to follow through with exactly what we discussed.

It is not like I want to have my baby in the barn like the cows, I am not that crazy! It is not about being cool or different. I truly believe, that our bodies have been designed to deal with birth naturally, we have hormones and big hips for a reason. Modern medicine is wonderful, but a lot of the time it is misused and boundaries get overstepped to often. The U.S. has the 2nd highest infant mortality rate in the whole world according to 2007 statistics. If we are so with it, and our drugs and practices are the best they can be for mom and baby why do we loose more moms and babies that most 3rd world countries? That is a statistic they don't hang at The OB's office. I wonder why? It would probably be bad for business I'm assuming. Needless to say, my Doctor is going to get pounded with questions on Monday.

If you are interested in any of this rent The business of Being Born the Documentary by Ricki Lake from 2007. It will blow your mind! I have seen it 3x's, Chris watched it with me last night and doesn't want me to have the baby at the hospital at all. My sister Kim was all about epidurals and drugs which is what she had with all 4 kids and when she saw this movie with me a while back and after talking with her for a while she said, if I could have healthy pregnancies and do it again, I would do it this way. Anyway... that is the end of my soap box. Sorry for making you tired.

Time out for Fishing

Yesterday my Dad and I went fishing at Jubilee Lake. It is the same lake my Mom and Dad went fishing the last time they went together. It was really great. I called Dad earlier in the week and told him I had Wednesday off and asked him if he wanted to get away for a fishing trip. We left about 5:30am, I had made lunch and he swung by on the way out of town to pick me up. We talked the whole way up and back. I was sure missing my mom. She loved to fish, and especially at Jubilee Lake. My dad out fished me by quite a lot. The limit is 5 per person and he would catch a fish that was pretty small and he'd sort through the others and keep the biggest ones. You aren't really suppose to do that. You are suppose to keep them. I caught the biggest fish but dad caught the most. It was a gorgeous day, it was a little breezy but so pretty. Every so often there would be enough of a breeze to cause a little ripple on the water and that was it. We caught our limit, (well I caught 3 worth keeping and dad caught his 5 and 2 of mine not counting the 10 or so he threw back) and headed out at about 1:00pm. A good day. I got home a took a power nap and headed off the mutual. When we got home, I cooked up the fish. Interesting! I had to picture my mom in the kitchen. She dipped them in flour right? I had to remember a ways back to figure it out. Then I gave Chris a lesson on taking the fins off and getting the meat off the bones without getting bones in it. It was pretty funny, Mom always left the heads on so I did too. Chris ate one fish and told me after eating the first one that he wouldn't mind it so bad if the fish wasn't staring at him he said! I think it grossed him out a little. Needless to say, we have a lot more fish to eat. Maybe fish tacos tomorrow night eh?

Back To Life.... Back to Reality

I went to my office yesterday to receive the linen drop and make a few phone calls to get my schedule back in order. WOW! I made around 45 phone calls, about 20 appointments and left a bunch of messages. I have learned to hate talking on the phone this month. I think I might tell my story once on a tape recorder then during my massages just push play so I don't have to repeat myself 20 million times.
I have covered my house in pictures of mom, put up a few of her things on my wall and put the rest in storage. I am beginning to reorganize my craft-storage-garage room in the house with some of her office stuff. I miss her everyday and it is hard, I don't want to go back to work very bad.

Random Thoughts

I don't really know what to say or how to say it. I am drawing a blank emotionally because I feel like I am incapable of feeling anything at this point. This past week I have felt emotionally numb, like I can't feel what I really feel. Does that make any sense? Mom died last Monday, Wednesday my sisters and I went to the mortuary to dress her and then Thursday and Friday we had viewings. Saturday was the funeral, Sunday was the sleep all day-go to church-be lazy and snuggle your husband day and today I am back at my parents house helping clean up the aftermath. I went through moms bathroom today and threw away everything and anything that reminded me of her being sick and on chemo. I have a goodwill pile and a consignment pile. I kept stopping to smell her clothes. I even found some smelly lotion she always wore and put in on my arm so I could stop and smell her every once in a while. It is weird that you miss certain things like that isn't it? I keep expecting her to pop out of the sewing room and show me her latest quilting project. I am having a hard time deciding what to do with her clothes. A lot of things my sister Sherri will wear but some of her suits and things like slacks and dresses are nice but none of us girls can wear them. I think I will save all the really nice things and her sisters can come look to see what they want. I made a stash of all the cute hats mom got when she lost her hair during chemo, maybe one day when I am brave enough I will wear some of them. My dads sister (Aunt Christi) and I went through the kitchen today. We threw away a lot of old noodles and food storage type of stuff that my dad Will never use. We rearranged things so he could find things easier and go rid of items that he wouldn't use. I have been doing pretty good emotionally, at least I think I am. Maybe I am in denial. It is weird. I do good through the hard things like the funeral, which I spoke at by the way. But it is the little things that make me fall apart. My dad called last night and left me a message. " Hey sister, I am just checking in, give me a call sometime when you get a minute." Simple right? He sounded so sad and lonely. I checked the message, deleted it then bawled my eyes out for 15 minutes, all snuggled up on my bed with my Mommy's quilt like a 2 year old! I guess that is to be expected though. I haven't really cried since she died so I have a couple of free passes to fall apart when I feel like it. Chris's friend Nic from college just lost his mom last Thursday. She was 57.... had a heart attack. I feel so blessed to have had the time to prepare and say goodbye to my mom. We spent so much time together. I only went 5 or 6 days without talking to or seeing her in the last year or so. I told myself I didn't want any regrets and that I had my whole life to work and play but only so much time with my mom. I will never forget those days, especially the last few. She was so optimistic, so funny and sweet, even towards the end. We would sit together in her bed and and talk about eternity, what heaven would be like and what she was looking forward to. Who she would see and the things she imagined she might do. We have been typing her journal so all the kids can have a copy of it. What a blessing it is to have her thoughts and personal history recorded! I love to read it. I am so glad she took the time to write. She wasn't very good about being consistent but at least we have what we have. I have been making a list of things to do and what to write in my journal. I am glad that we decided to do a blog for my mom. It helped other people stay up to date with her cancer and was a journal of her fight. I am excited to print it off and put in her book and to go back and read everything. There is so much to do! I have to help get rid of all the junk at the house, go to goodwill, label things etc. There is a shoe box full of slides that need to be converted to digital and put on the computer. I need to start a scrapbook/story book for all moms things and get ready for Christmas . I am suppose to be Moms little Christmas Elf this year. I made a promise to her that I would get Christmas ready and deliver all her pre-packaged Christmas presents. I have something in mind but need to get on it. It is almost September! There is a DVD of moms pictures that we made for the funeral. Kim and I were going to try and burn a copy so all of the kids can have a copy. I need to figure out a way to organize my pictures digitally then send a copy to everyone that is in them. AHHH.... what a mess. So much work to do! All of us kids, dad, Aunt Christi and Uncle Irv and cousins Tiff and Luke went bowling the night of the funeral. I was so tired of visiting and hugging people, I wanted to get out and actually do something fun. Mom would have wanted that. We went to Atomic Bowl in Richland. They have Monte Carlo bowling, where you can win money. It was a blast. We started about 9pm and stayed till around 12:30 or so. We got some cute pictures and made some money. I made 2 bucks and Chris made 5. The pathetic thing is that it has been so long since I have worked out that I am sore from bowling. My back is killing me right now!
Here are some pictures of last week.

My moms obituary:

Lucretia (Chris) Kirchgestner Carver was born March 30th 1946 in Nyssa Oregon, a beautiful dark haired daughter to Alice Isabell Walker and Phillip Valentine Kirchgestner. She moved a lot in her childhood years mostly around the Northwest. She graduated from Milton Freewater (Ore.) High School in 1965.On November 1st 1963 she married Robert Orlo Carver. They were later sealed in the Logan Temple on December 20th, 1968. They lived in several places throughout the Columbia Basin, eventually settling in Kennewick Washington. She worked as a secretary at Sandvik Special Metals and later went to work with her husband at Allstate Insurance. They worked together for 20 years as Agents, making a great team and retiring in 2004.Chris enjoyed many hobbies; she was famous for her cooking, baking and quilting. She especially enjoyed fishing with her husband, where she often out fished him! She was a devout member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, where she fulfilled many ward and stake callings. In particular she loved her more recent calling as Relief Society President, and was privileged to serve with her husband as a temple ordinance worker in The Columbia River Temple.Chris found joy in serving others and was known for her sweet spirit and loving personality. She was a devoted wife, mother, grandmother; and a friend loved by all who knew her. She was a class act in everything she did. Chris passed away Monday, August 18th, 2008 at home in the arms of her husband, with loved ones by her side. She was diagnosed in November 2007 of an unknown primary cancer.Chris is survived by her Husband, Robert Carver of Kennewick Wa, and her children and their spouses Monte (Kelly) Carver, Shawn (Patty) Carver, Kimberly (Jeff) Wiberg, Steven (Camilla) Carver, Sherri (Darin) Frederiksen, Kent Carver, and Melanie (Chris) Cain and 19 grandchildrenAlso surviving are her three sisters; Doris Hansen, Wanda Coffey, Vera Collins, and three brothers; Jerry, Howard, and Vernon Kirchgestner.She is preceded in death by her parents, Alice and Phillip Kirchgestner, younger sisters Marian Willis and baby brother and sister, Merrill Glenn and Wilma LaRae Kirchgestner.Memorial Services for Lucretia Carver will be celebrated Saturday August 23rd at 11 a.m. at the LDS church, 4445 S. Olympia, Kennewick WA (located on corner of 45th and Olympia St.) Burial will be at River View Heights at 10th and Olympia immediately following service. Chris requested a dinner be served at the church for all who wish to attend, following the graveside service.A public viewing will be held Thursday the 21st from 5-8 p.m. at Hillcrest Memorial Center (9353 W. Clearwater Ave) and Friday the 22 5-8p.m at OlympiaIn lieu of flowers, please make contributions to Blue Mountain Council Boy Scouts of America by calling 509-735-7306.

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Proverbs 31:28
Mom passed tonight at 10:45 pm. She fought so hard bless her heart. Dad kept saying she had the heart the size of a watermelon because she wouldn't let go. She is so beautiful tonight. Dad had gone to bed and Kim and I were sitting with her watching her breath. She would have shallow breaths and then long deep breaths. When Sherri got off the phone and came out we sat with her for a minute and then went and woke dad up. Dad came and held her hand and told her to let go and we gathered around her and she passed. She waited for him!